Feel
by lalarandoms
Summary: It's hours after the death of one of her squad members, feeling completely numb Olivia Benson turns to the one person who knows will help her feel again.


It's hours after the death of one of her squad members, feeling completely numb Olivia Benson turns to the one person who knows will help her feel again.

I hold no rights to the show. Enjoy

Mike Dodds was pronounced dead no less than a few hours ago. The sudden death affected each member of the Special Victim's squad, it was sudden, but not surprising. The senior Dodds' display of despair was heart wrenching to watch. There stood a man, once filled with confidence and imitation, that now looked so small.

Instead of going home with Tucker, Olivia stood in the middle of Amanda's new apartment for the very first time. Despite the bright warm colored walls the room was dark. Guilt filled Olivia, she was there alive and Mike–Mike was no longer here. She couldn't stop replaying the scene in her head. If only she had stayed with him, if only she had double check the house and him, if only she trusted her gut, Mike would still be there. She hated herself.

Amanda stood behind Olivia slowing wrapping her small arms around the brunette's waist, bringing her closer. She needed to feel her. Olivia relaxed into Amanda's arms, closing her eyes and replaying the images in her head over and over.

"Stop it." Amanda whispered.

Olivia signed softly, how does she do that? Know what she's thinking and feeling? "I can't help it. If only I was— "

Amanda cut her off by turning her around to face her. Brown sad eyes met blue. She took her hand and cupped Olivia's right cheek, slowly caressing it. "Don't do that to yourself. I don't know what I would have done if that was you… What I would have done if I never got the chance to tell the world how much you mean to me."

Amanda placed a soft gentle kiss on Olivia's lips "I –"

This time Olivia cut her off with a kiss. Slowly taking her tongue and guiding it onto the blonde's lips, asking permission for more, which was quickly given. The kiss was filled with passion, guilt and sadness. "Please." Olivia whispered between kisses.

Amanda nodded her head as she turned to walk towards her bedroom. She could feel Olivia following her from behind. They each discarded a piece of clothing one by one; leading a trail. Nothing needed to be said once they entered the room.  
Their actions spoke louder.

Both stood naked in front of the blonde's queen size bed, the room was dark with only the moonlight shining through the slightly open curtains. Amanda caressed Olivia's right cheek with her hand, feeling Olivia's head tilt closer to the touch.

Taking a step closer the blonde captured the brunettes salty tear stained lips, feeling her mouth part ever so slightly allowing the blonde more access. Their hands roamed each other's naked body as their tongues danced together.

"Scratch me?" Olivia asked between kisses. With no hesitation, Amanda scratched the brunette's back while the other woman placed a trail of kisses down her neck, sucking and nibbling, not caring if she left a mark.

"Harder" The older woman begged.

"I don't want to hurt you" Amanda whispered before placing soft kisses on the brunette's shoulder.

"Please, I need to feel." Olivia choked out as the tears she'd been holding in for so long spilled out.  
Olivia winced at the pain as she felt the blonde's finger nails dig deep into the skin across her back. She could feel the warm blood peak out of her skin, slowly dripping down her back. The pain felt so good, she felt so alive. The smell of the blonde intoxicated her.

Their bodies crashed onto the queen size bed in front of them. Olivia laid back on the silk sheets with the weight of Amanda on top of her, pressing their bodies together. She shivered at the blonde's soft touch. Her fingertips traced up her arm and to her collarbone before a single digit lifted the brunette's chin up. Blue eyes intensely stared into her honey brown tear filled ones.

She couldn't help but bite her bottom lip, those blue eyes did something to her that no other eyes had done before. It made her feel something within that she'd never felt before. It was like they could read her soul, her every feeling and every fear with one glance. Ed Tucker couldn't do that. Whenever Olivia would stare into his blue eyes, she felt nothing. She tried so hard to find that, that thing that Amanda had in him but it wasn't there.

Amanda took her index finger and slowly traced the brunette's lower lip and then her upper lip, she couldn't help but smile while doing so. Here she was naked on top of Olivia, the one person besides Jesse who made her feel whole.

"I love you" she whispered softy before capturing the brunette's lips.

Olivia cried. Her heart ached and guilt filled her entire being. She shouldn't be here. She shouldn't be alive; it should have been her. It kept replaying in her head. It should have been her and not Dodds. Her tears fall harder as Amanda slipped her tongue into her mouth. The warm sweetness danced in her mouth as the lump in throat grew. She needed to feel.

"Fuck me." She whispered as she broke the kiss.  
Amanda, with no hesitation, slipped her right hand between the brunette's legs. Just as she was about to work the brunette's clit to get her wet, Olivia stopped her by reaching down and grabbing her hand.

"Just fuck me."

The blonde's eyes stared into the tear stained brown eyes underneath her. "I don't want to hurt you." "Please" She begged softy between her choked out tears.

Nodding her head in agreement, the blonde slipped two fingers into the dry opening. It was difficult and almost painful for her to do. Olivia's body wasn't ready for such force, but it was what the brunette needed. She needed to feel.

Amanda sucked on her lover's neck as she began slow thrusts, the vibration of the brunette's loud cries rang in her ears. The sharp nails that ran down her milk skin back began to draw blood as the other hand gripped her blonde hair pulling her closer to her lover's neck.

"Harder" she heard through the thick cries. The blonde worked her hand quicker as her body moved with her rhythm. Wetness that was building up between her fingers made the motion easier as she fucked Olivia in a harder and faster pace.

"Oh god" Olivia yelled out between each thrust. Her tears running down her cheeks wildly while her guilt hung heavily over her. She wasn't moaning in satisfaction but moaning at the guilt that was overwhelming her. Her hip lifted from the bed following the blonde's movements. She needed more, she needed to feel alive. Raw. "Fuck me harder." She whispered into the blonde's ear before hitching at the pain when she felt two more fingers being added inside her. More, she needed more. It wasn't enough. She could feel the blonde's sweat and tears dripping down her collarbone and leaving a trail down her chest, Amanda was hurting too. She was mourning the loss of her fellow officer, but more importantly, the loss that could have happened. The loss of someone who she undeniably loved and cared for, the very person who laid underneath her, the person she was fucking so roughly. She could have lost her. She could have lost everything. And it pained her to feel more sadness for someone who was right there with her rather than someone who lost their life not long ago.

"Make me bleed." The brunette begged.

Amanda shook her head as she kept the rhythm intact. "No." She replied as her own tears caused her to choke on her words.

"Please." Olivia begged in tears. "I need to feel." She added.

"I love you." The blonde whispered.

All of a sudden with no warning, Olivia came, much to her surprise. She didn't even feel it coming, she wasn't focused on the sex. Olivia's body limped as she felt Amanda slowly slip her fingers out from inside her before cupping her cheek turning her face towards her. Her brown eyes met with the pair of teary blue eyes staring right back at her. Reading her so effortlessly while her thumb caressed her cheek. Her plump strawberry lips captured the brunette's tear strained lips. The kiss was gentle and over before it began. Their foreheads and noses touched, as their eyes never broke their stare. Tears ran down each of their faces as they held each other tightly, their legs wrapped and linked together. This was what she really needed to feel.

Softness, love, security, and home.

Forcing the lump down her throat and still looking into those honey teary eyes, as her own tears ran down her face. "I love you." She whispered. Olivia buried her head into Amanda's chest and listened to her heart beat steadily and continued to cry. Amanda didn't need to hear it back, she already knew. All she could do was wrap her arms around Olivia as they both cried themselves to sleep


End file.
